SHIZUKUI KEI: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by misc.potatoes
Summary: Gakkou no Kaidan fic. How to keep your beloved SHIZUKUI KEI unit in tip top condition. Written on 13th May 2015 as part of tumblr user lynxyz's Kamiki Ryunosuke 22nd birthday giveaway challenge. The original format of Owner's Guide and Manual does not belong to me.


The Care and Keeping of Our Favorite Paraplegic Troll

 **Congratulations!** You are now the proud owner of a fully automated SHIZUKUI KEI unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your crazy speech writer, please pay close attention to the following instructions:

 **BASIC INFORMATION:**

Name: Shizukui Kei (Also known as: Isesaki Tooru, That Baka-Yelling Dude on the Wheelchair, Tsubame's Secret Crush, etc.)

Date of Manufacture: One fine day in 1993 when all the planets were aligned perfectly.

Place of Manufacture: Meiran Inc., Verbal Insults Specialist Division

Height: Short

Weight: The machine is out of order due to extreme humiliation caused by your SHIZUKUI KEI unit's insults towards it.

 **Your SHIZUKUI KEI will come with the following accessories:**

– One Wheelchair

– One Earset

– One Black Hoodie

– One pair Black Trousers

– One pair Overwhelmingly White Shoes

Open your SHIZUKUI KEI unit in a place with few people, preferably a soundproof room. You do not want to embarass yourself with your neighbours due to his verbal fire.

 **PROGRAMMING:**

Your SHIZUKUI KEI unit boasts state of the art functions, and will eagerly undertake the following tasks (albeit not without insulting you first):

Speech Writer: Due to his exceptional proficiency in language and his ability to mock others at whim, your SHIZUKUI KEI unit will help you to craft the most convincing speech you need to pull others into rallying for your cause.

Strategist: Plotting for world domination? Fret not! An excellent Chessmaster, SHIZUKUI KEI possesses brilliant mental faculties and the ability to execute elaborate plans. Beware of any hidden agendas though whereby your SHIZUKUI KEI unit might evolve into a Villain Protagonist. (gasp!)

Deadpan Snarker: Your SHIZUKUI KEI unit delivers A++ sarcasm, providing ample entertainment sufficient to last you for one whole week. Just…prepare a bottle of cold water to treat your burns, kay? *nods sympathetically*

 **Your SHIZUKUI KEI unit will come in the following modes:**

– Verbal Fire (default)

– Furious (locked)

– Gentle

– Revenge-y

– OOC (locked)

The SHIZUKUI KEI unit usually exists in Verbal Fire Mode with slight displays of sadism, but if a TSUBAME unit is in need of comforting, the SHIZUKUI KEI unit will enter Gentle Mode and proceed to stifle the room with an overwhelmingly sugary atmosphere.

When playing according to the official storyline, the SHIZUKUI KEI unit will gradually enter Revenge-y Mode after Chapter 8. If provoked while in Revenge-y Mode, the SHIZUKUI KEI unit will automatically unlock and shift to Furious Mode. If such a situation arises, SHIZUKUI KEI will utterly annihilate his enemy unless a TSUBAME unit is sent in to calm him down.

Note that there is no Slash setting for the SHIZUKUI KEI unit. If relations are attempted while in Verbal Fire Mode, the 'Awkwardly-Tries-To-Hide-Embarassment' programme will go online and SHIZUKUI KEI will fail to launch into a verbal attack. After activation, the only way to reverse the setting is prolonged exposure to a TSUBAME unit. Relations while in Furious Mode or Revenge-y Mode will result in needing replacement parts for any other units involved. However, if the Out of Character Mode is unlocked, the Slash setting can be programmed.

 **RELATIONS WITH OTHER UNITS:**

TSUBAME: Your SHIZUKUI KEI unit loves to tease TSUBAME units. Take note to lower the degree of Verbal Fire slightly when conversing with a TSUBAME unit. SHIZUKUI KEI units also tend to take TSUBAME units under their wing and have an easygoing relationship with her. If in prolonged companionship, the two units might decide to become an OTP.

SETA SOUJIRO: Typically, your SHIZUKUI KEI unit is wary of SETA SOUJIRO units, even bordering on outright jealousy. This is probably because SHIZUKUI KEI units see them as a threat to their relationship with TSUBAME units, as SETA SOUJIRO units tend to be more adorable compared to the darker SHIZUKUI KEI. Will SETA SOUJIRO's impeccable manners would win over TSUBAME's fair maidenly heart or the incurable DoS by the name of SHIZUKUI KEI prevail? That remains unknown, and hence as a precaution, SHIZUKUI KEI units may launch a fierce attack via Verbal Fire Mode on sighting a SETA SOUJIRO.

NINOMAE JUUICHI: Your SHIZUKUI KEI unit is on friendly terms with NINOMAE JUUICHI units as they both have a similar sadistic streak in their inbuilt programming. SHIZUKUI KEI units also like to go shopping with NINOMAE JUUICHI due to their shared preference of black clothing. NINOMAE JUUICHI units tend to ignite the maternal paternal instincts of SHIZUKUI KEI units with their pure childish charm.

 **CLEANING:**

Your SHIZUKUI KEI unit seems capable of keeping himself in good hygiene. However, it is still advisable to give him a good wash once every week.

1\. Undress your SHIZUKUI KEI unit. Some coaxing might be needed due to his attachment to his infamous black hoodie. (Rumour has it that the reason is because his TSUBAME unit mended it for him. #stitchesoflove)

2\. Dunk him into a tub of hot water.

3\. Add soap. Lots of soap. And form a white soapy beard for him while you're at it.

4\. Rinse your SHIZUKUI KEI unit thoroughly.

5\. Pull him out of the tub and rub him dry.

6\. Dress him again.

Warning: DO NOT, by any chance, leer at your SHIZUKUI KEI unit. Do so at the risk of being subject to an insane barrage of verbal insults and being attacked by an unlimited number of odd-looking weapons inclusive of a whip (?!), a ruler, a grenade, a sword, etc.

 **ENERGY:**

Feed your SHIZUKUI KEI unit daily with a healthy serving of nattou or suiton stew. :3

 **FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:**

Q: My SHIZUKUI KEI unit has been acting like a tsundere even more than usual. What was it that caused him to enter such a state?

A: This is probably one of the side effects of the Gentle Mode. SHIZUKUI KEI units tend to immediately take on a tsundere attitude after the Gentle Mode ends its run, especially during interactions with TSUBAME units.

Q: How do I breed my SHIZUKUI KEI unit with a TSUBAME unit?

A: It is not advisable to do so as one woukd end up having a bunch of noisy SHIZUKUI KEI chibis running around the house.

Q: How do I unlock the Out of Character Mode?

A: Keep your SHIZUKUI KEI unit awake for a week and do not feed him anything. The SHIZUKUI KEI unit will collapse and reboot its programme.

Q: My SHIZUKUI KEI unit has the same face as that printed on the packaging, but it has reddish-brown curly hair and a katana. What should I do?

A: You have received an AMAYA TAKERU unit by accident. We offer our deepest apologies for the mistake. Please send him back to us and we'll replace him with a real SHIZUKUI KEI unit.

 **FINAL NOTE:**

With proper care and maintenance, your SHIZUKUI KEI will lead a full and happily snarky life while staying under your roof.


End file.
